apologies.

I spent a lot of time being angry on and off the past few months. We all have. COVID has taken a mental toll on all of us. So I want to address some apologies that need to be spoken. I need to apologize in some format since I may not get to say it to their face.

I am sorry for hurting someone I love.

I hurt my aunt for the past few weeks in April while living with my father for the first time. Not having a steady flow of income to fall back on and uncertainties about when I can start work on changing that. It was draining and I would go to her daily to vent my spleen. It was dumping for the sake of dumping. It is not like me, or it is like me, to rage away from the problem. To my aunt, I am sorry.

To the man I want to marry me: I am sorry for almost stalking you when you told me what you were going to do. It was disrespectful of me not to respect your decision and words. Even if the reason for doing so saved my mind, it was a test on if I will maintain my faith in waiting.

To my family for that tragic day in July: I knew it was coming. I handled it well considering. I thought I would be able to save from the repeat of seeing it by moving. I don’t like setting off triggers when no one went to therapy.

To myself: for not thinking I would no longer love myself. For thinking I would hurt myself. For not thinking I would need help. Never be to proud to ask for help.

To my best friend: for thinking that we were not friends. We are. Just not the best of friends. You let me know what it means to be family more than friend.

To my mother’s sister: for not coming to you in the beginning but we have a history of me leaving the country in a way that makes me not want to share.

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