It is a casual admission in these essays that my emotional state at the start of my soulmate quest has been evolving from a passing idle to a trial filled and enduring game of blind patience. Holding on to this love and having it tossed back in my face at the start of this has been a critical part of my spiritual awakening. It is an interesting focal point to me- to have my belief in love for the first time accending my awareness of the desities and the heightened awareness of the cosmos and the sheer aliveness of the world around me. If I think about it pragmatically, believing in love is optimal to bringing this level of awareness to one lonely soul since love in this realm has been non existant on the physical plane since I was seven years old.
In order to endure this patient period, I needed to admit the disatrius state of my emotional well being. COVID has esaserbated that for a lot of people in some capacity. With all my mediums to acquire human interaction stripped from me in some capacity, I had to re-examine my faith in religion and desiring love in the first place. I had to do a lot of soul searching and emotional upheaval to uncover lost hopes in the romantic aspect and start longing in earnest someone to actually be the one to hold me and be a source of emotional security. I felt that in the psychic radius of tsunami.
I forget where I read that people feel what they are missing when they fall in love or come to deeply love their mate. I am not sure if this awareness of something is missing is exclusive to soulmates but with tsunami, it is the feeling of deep safety. I recall it being comforting like not being washed away in a wave while walking on a beach. Recalling it haunts me on occasion. I go to beaches hoping to capture a memory of it and while those spaces provide their own level of comfort, it does not allude the same thing I get in the presence of tsunami. I miss it and long for it everyday.
It was an open admission that I was not emotionally available when we met. I was impressed that he was willing to risk love in the first place. At the time and in some capacity to this day, I still have a guarded approach to permitting my emotions to influence my desicions and encouraging people to make decisions from that same space. I like to think I am better at letting myself remian emotionally available as my patient period comes to a close but I am not really sure how effective I have been in developing emotional availabilty considering I had to do it blindly at the ofset. I had to draw from some books that, while sold as fantasy inspired romance, look at developing a level of emotional vunerablity after years of truama.
It was odd to find myself in those pages.
I don’t like being emotional. It has not assisted me in my job crusade the past decade. My tears and open frustration spats have been looked upon with a casual disinterest or met with open distain. It makes me not discharge effort in indulging in either without some compounding elements making such outlet of stress the one I need to channel for a moment until I can pull myself together. It is not like I would look upon crying with an level of distain. I view the ability to seek release in that space for other people. Much like I observed love until my awakening. I may have mentioned that I loved love for other people and being a willing observer of it in other writings; but for me, it was a passing but routine fancy and ask from the deities. I could not afford the effort to seek it out beyond the twinge of longing when I could finally go to bed at 3 am at night.
Yet, here I am, emotionally available and waiting for love to be met on the physical plane. It is nice to be aware that love for me exist and my inner cynic can not be silenced since it has been the coating for my romantic passion since dating was rife with false starts and grand assumptions but no guard rails in place. I hate wanting this sometimes. I openly look at the fable of the fox denying his desire for the fruit to bystanders while quietly fixating on the time the fruit would drop so the fox may partake in the sweet nectar that is encased in the fruit the fox is not asking for.
I did the reverse- publicly preparing for a love and a healthy relationship I did not think would ever exist.
Another aspect of this romantic endeavour that shocks me is having my career and fincancial security tied to this romantic relationship. I am adament about not encouraging fraternizing between romantic and career aspirations. I recall a member of my portrait class admitting that she was succesfully doing this- she was the director and her husband was one of the employees not in her direct supervsion but his deptarment would be affected by her decesions. She revealed this relationship to her board and the last contact I had with her, their relationship was strong enough that he aided her photography aspirations for the class. I admired this ability and want to say I never saw it again but when romance and career overlap, should you see them in the first place? It is a statstic that romantic relationships are often found in the work place thus the rules around them would not exist in the first place.
I met my soulmate where I love to be and use to advance my career in some capacity- enchancing my educational endeavours for personal edification and potential financial gain in certain academic and social activist settings. Thus adding a financial overlap may seem ineveitable in some capacity. It is common if not expected in some circles to have the responsiblity of the proverbial purse in the hands of one half of the relationship. Dating sites and tv shows have been created with the persuit of such being the objective of the entertainment or relationship. I have witnessed the cons of this kind of relationship- it is now begining divorce proceedings.
In my passing idles about establishing a healthy romantic relationship, a two income home was my standard for these kinds of what ifs I spun for my audiences. It woudl be nice if our incomes matched but it was more ensuring rules and guidelines that allowed mutual assurance on both parties that the collective financial security would not be in turmiol as both partners would bring a level of financial power and earning potential to the table. Too many of my relationships have petered out due to the lack of funds, the mis use of funds or the unwillingness to provide for the other when one half of the equation was struggling. It is not something I wanted any part of. Alas, it appears I will not be allowed to obtain what I really want without releasing this choke hold on my my financial thought.
I have to accept that my relationship is going to provide for me emotionally, romantically and financally. My independent me is screaming internally. I have taken a rather slavering traumatized boxer fresh from a fighting club guarding their meal providing for myself financally. I am not miserly when I have the extra income to share my personal bounty, but the rarity of these spaces makes me maintian that I will at least not become a strain on someone else’s financial situation. The past decade, this approach has been nessesary. Granted, I have invested in some emotional endavours that make me mourn the expense than the relationship but changing my position has not been challenged with any regularity that needing to change my stance in this.
Signs suggest that is about to change. I already hate it.
It is not like I can not openly accept relying on someone else extending my spending money while my bills are covered by the same source of revenue that is not from my 80 hour work week. But it is. There has not been a period in my life that working for my funding either through a promisary note or offering the hours of my life for a designated hourly rate. This shift feels extreme and insecure to rely on. It is irrational in some sense when I consider the revolving door of my job security but it was my financial situation that would be affected by my lack of employment. This scenario has me in a hybrid of a child like state where my wellbeing impacts someone else’s wallet.
I hated being in that space growing up. I could never not see myself as more than a parcal passed around the family to strain the bank accounts of my caregiver. Not being allowed to contribute to my own funds while being a financial weight on the house I lived in makes this situation itch. Part of me wonders how long will I have before I am deemed mature enough to provide for myself and move on? Will relying on my partner in this space end with divorce after our children are raised? Will I see the fincancal security as a noose trapping me in something that creates a percarious balance of superfical comfort while my relationship is on tenterhooks?
Being in a space where providing me financial and emotional support should be comforting and looked upon with eagerness to some degree.
I am just waiting for it to become traumatizing. And pray it never happens.