care.

If there is something that I need to accept for my future with my tsunami is that I will not be alone in bed with me and my laptop being practicing lonely tactics like listening to TV. It is not something that will come naturally or fills me with dread, sharing my bed. I have addressed that concern in previous essays. I like to think I look forward to the routine of sharing my world with someone for the rest of my life like I do discovering a new pairing of chocolate in the check out line. I know that my reservation is loosely based on the history I have have with sharing a bed- it is rarely allowed to be a place to relax. Sharing my bed always meant I would need to be openly available to have sex. There is a level of joy and greed for this kind of bedroom fluidity.

I look forward to having that level of comfort in my shared bed at the onset.

But one element about the sex that I have not felt the need to express in these essays is the fact that my soulmate’s gender. Acknowledging it is not something that I believe would be of interest as I do not address my own gender unless I am speaking about the impact my physical body has on my lunch date. But when it comes to the transition in my bedroom, sharing it with my partner is not the only factor I have to address. I have to accept that I will be in bed with a man. Having a man in the bed changes things from sharing my bed with another woman.

There are some thing that banked my sexual preferences from permitting men to enter my bedroom:

The shared assumption and admission that they negelt their hygiene;
The open disregard many display when on the ‘hunt’ for a female companion;
Treating the persuit of a relationship the same way people view having a child;
Refraining from maturing their romantic relationships with a grounding in a true friendship they reserve for their bromances

and other elements of the romantic persuit that mark the dating procedure as a checklist of attributes they can take pride in like bragging about a new car.

I wish life in a woman’s arms would start off different. I never met a woman that would share my respect for adding to my life journey with a romantic relationship without some need to acquire a humble brag about the addition be it my financial acumen, their sexual prowess, or the customization of my doting kindness. I have enjoyed the freedom of sexual encounters with women that allows the act of sex start from a form of oral worship on each other. Adding a new life to that partnership needs to be planned. Not the same space of preparation is allotted in the heternormative space. In my sexual awakening, I have experienced the flexibility that sexual arousal adds to exploring a sexual desire. That is the conversation about birth control and adding the use of condoms in bedroom ‘games’ becomes a part of one’s need to ensure both parties can leave the bed with the encounter being the sole souviner of the experience.

There is a level of responsibility attached to being born a female that have shifted the dynamic of creating life in the States. In many communities, the pleasures of sex are introduced to individuals born male while the responsibility of childrearing is introduced to individuals born female. While there is some level of shared discourse, individuals born male are given an open opportunity to leave the seed of their loins in the family of their partner while enjoying the coos of being members of the patriarchy. Looking at my brother’s casual willingness to pay for an abortion over protecting himself and his partner from murdering the fruit of their union made me disgusted with ever approaching a man for a romantic relationship. I have met several bisexuals that have made the same observations and mourn the loss of sexual freedom to promote bisexual visibilty.

But the demisexual aspect of my sexual being wants to have sex with tsunami. That is something I have not wanted in any relationship prior to meeting him. Adding to sheer desire enhancing an intellectual romance changes the way I have lived my life. This relationship requires I re evaluate my sexual relationship with my own body. I have never been averse to masturbation as it allows one to explore their own arosual and become comfortable with their bodies in bed. Masturbation allows one to enjoy the sensation of orgasm and the heady afterglow of the release. For men, there is a level of constant stimulus and needing to understand when it should be explored and not being controlled by the persuit of that pleasure. For women, that kind of stimulus requires a level of preparation that is not always encouraged with the weight of childrearing being a possibility in the bedroom. Many women have opted to explore the material acquision that leads to the bedroom as compensation for entering the space for sex.

I have never approached masturbation with more than a mild curiosity of my body and a gentle delight in my mind. There is a primary element in opening onself to sexual exploration that includes wanting to share your being with another being. I have never felt that comfortable to really want that often. I was not introduced to masturbation as a space to reclaim my sexual being for me thus enjoying mesturbation for the sheet release of endorphins has not made this space of self exploration and medium in becoming a sexual being. I blame my demisexuality for delaying train of thought. If there needs to be a level of blame. Listening to the sexually aware people in my various communities discuss sex, I am remiss that the exuberance for sensuality does not open the discourse for these components of sexual intamcy.

I want to be in bed with tsunami in the first place. That is a step overlooked in my other sexual experiences that I really appreciate.