defend.

I am waiting for a god-touched relationship and I have and have not told everyone in some capacity. I told my closest family members and they looked at me concerned but happy. I told an old friend and she looked at me soul weary. It is hard to war against that kind of energy when you are entering a new belief. But more so it was taxing to defend my belief in this pending relationship when other experiences indicated that I should let go of it. So let’s talk about defending one’s beliefs in this essay.

I am not new to the relationship space. I am new to dating men and the dating realm since I have not been consistent or a participant in either aspect of society. But I recall telling my friend in Malta about my wait for tsunami and he gave me this look of pity like I deserve better and in any other situation, I would agree. If this relationship were not god-touched, I may have given up as soon as tsunami ran from me. But no one is counting on the strength of my faith and belief in the deities. And that makes this worth doing every day of the week. What I chose to do instead was not talk about it to anyone since most people these days tend to treat dating or entering relationships as one offense and you should dip on them. I don’t like that. And these are supposedly Christians that are told to turn the cheek if someone offends. So I look at this differently.

As a new witch to the faith of the orisha, I have been struggling with telling people aspects of it as well. In the faith, you hear the gods and goddesses on the wind and in your mind as well. And sometimes that is meant to break you down. I have broken twice now and every time I go to the hospital they ask if I hear them now. I have and have not told the nurses yes. It does not bother me since I know where the nurses are coming from- they are trained to think that hearing voices is a problem. I theorize that is an aspect of the gods. And some gods are mean as fuck. But that depends on the pantheon and the life the individual has been living. So everyone’s experiences with being god-touched are different. The hospital can not discriminate against it but is trained to think that I should not want to hear them. So I omit the fact instead. I still get the same needed treatment considering that my manifestations would be handled differently in a culture that believed in the deities instead.

Another thing I will have to defend eventually is telling my former sister-in-law about what her future ex-husband is telling the family. In some cases, well in this case, I know the brother is assuming that I would be on his team and not inform his future ex-wife of anything. But they have a child that is sensitive to the energies of a space. And that changes everything. Innately, the former sister-in-law is going to be questioned about things and that will make the energies of the spaces their kid resides in change. I do not like the kind of change in the family spaces my brother is nurturing while he processes his pain. So I tell her about his lash outs. I have to defend this stance one day.

But back to defending my brain. Every day I wait is a battle on my headspace. I look forward to meeting tsunami again and quiver in anticipation some days. But on other days, I worry about why he stays away and if there is anything I can do from my current limitations to change that. I miss him and want our relationship to change into the god-touched marriage that will last the rest of my days. So I battle other deep fears while I wait. I play mobile games and work. I do other things to fill the wait. I know in the long run, while painful, it will be worth it.

And that we both will have earned it.