fear.

The first time I remember being really scared was when my grandfather passed away. He was a silent man who sat at the top of the table for the time I knew him. When he passed, I thought I was going to be taken with him eventually. Today, I wonder if that was my first glimpse at the deities realm. It might have been. But as I wait for my god-touched relationship, I have to admit I am scared about aspects of it. I have talked about the fear of coital rape that my best friend experienced last year and wondering if I would need to deal with that kind of encounter. I have spoken of being vulnerable to my god-touched soulmate. I have explored my love being a man when I have been exclusively with women in the sexual space. But I have deeper fears in this. In this essay, I am going to talk about them.

Demonic Possession

When I was growing up, my mother told me a story about how my father was in church and fell down growling and moaning. The church they attended called it demonic possession and told him to speak the name of Jesus to cast the demon out. Since they were Christians, that is something that they have to deal with. But I was in my nine or so when my mother informed me of this. It was told to me like a funny story as to why my father no longer attended church anymore. The same church that had a cheating pastor when my father was raised in a, “Cheating is normal” household.

Yeah. Lots of baggage in that space.

So now that I know that the orisha exists and I am a divine light being and living temple for the liminal space that is the deities realm, I have been scared of this occurring in general. Not to me persay since I have pledged my worship for my goddess Oshun and her pantheon but I have to admit that part of my goddess’ pantethon has been absorbed under the Christian umbrella. More so, the fact that my father was attacked on the spiritual realm and my parents discussed it like it was a casual thing scares the shit out of me. It won’t happen to me since I am smart enough not to play with demons nor invoke them by accident but deities! A lot to process as a child and today. This one keeps me up at night.

Restraining Order

There is an argument to be made that I stalked my tsunami in the electronic space. I did openly violate his request not to speak to him after a few months. And I have since respected that command and continue to do so. At least I try. I doubt he does it since I am not a physical threat but still. It is something that can be pursued if he wanted to and that bothers me since I pride myself on being a safe space for people. I really let my love for the deities take me out of my comfort zones for tsunami. From the god-touched space, I regret nothing.

Being kicked out of school.

I met tsunami in school and I love being a student. It one of my last personal goals and honors for my ancestors to obtain a Ph.D. before I am 40 or so. I am in a program that will let me get that without taking a GED again. Tsunami could take that away with an email using the same evidence that he can use for the restraining order. School has been my financial lifeline for years. I take out student loans to save me when I don’t have a job. It is an unhealthy situation but I tolerate it. This is my last decade of using that lifeline and I let tsunami threaten that by invading his electronic space.

So yeah, I have some skittishness about having sex with my soulmate because it has been four years since I invited anyone into my bed space but they pale in comparison to the aforementioned.