So. If you have been reading my essays since January, you know I was given a command from the gods to hold for a love of my own. And I think I know who it is: tsunami. And most days, I think it is. But the hiccup of tsunami being in a relationship makes me wonder if this is really it or it is a command to define what kind of relationship I need in my next 60 or so years. So lets look at my idea of a romantic partnership.
The first time I thought about romantic relationships, I was twelve and reading the first of many romances that were out of my age range. But my family had no healthy relationships for me to witness thus the allure of the page. The sad thing about the page is that the trauma the heroine must go through to get to one happy ending may last a weekend. And then the drama/trauma would start all over again.
That was my understanding so I never started dating in school. I never liked the boys and what they said it meant to be men. Until I went to college and met some actual men. Not boy pretending but men trying to be men. And I still don’t like men so much as I like masculine but that is what I sought out in WRS when I was the ripe age of 17. And I liked him. I liked how he talked about his last relationship. I liked how he was not interested in just sex. But like I said in previous essays, I did not like his close friends.
When he found out I liked him, he acted just like the boys around him.
So I dived into full lesbianism. And the masculine of center women act just like Will if not like boys wanting to be men. Why do I want a relationship again?? Oh yeah, I have hope that I will meet someone that will bear witness to my comings and goings. I want someone that I can be comfortable being boring with and talk about any and everything and how I feel about shit. That is why tsunami is it/was it/should be it.
But tsunami is in a relationship. And I still want the relationship. So maybe that is what the hold command meant.