I have yet to tell why this bisexual avoided being a bisexual. I was raised in a space where bisexuality was not allowed to exist outside of a porn thing. With my healthy fears of toxic straightness, I felt my love for women was enough to sate my desire for a mate while I was in college. Let me be honest, I loved being a lesbian. I have no regrets about it. I don’t have a problem being bisexual. I just don’t like the toxic masculinity that was all I was ever shown. I did not want to raise a male that is supposed to be an adult while I was expected to be an adult as well. So let’s talk about my time becoming a lesbian.
I was in elementary school when I looked at my first woman and thought she was beautiful. It was not hard to think that at the time since I had that nasty experience with the boy in the cubby space. He forced himself into my space and tried to kiss me like he saw his parents. I think he did actually. His actions tainted the boys around me. So when I saw this girl with her pigtails, I was able to admire her freely. I discovered my passion for long hair with her. There was also the white girl named Cynthia who ended up being the boyfriend of a boy we both liked. I wanted both of them at the time and did not realize it. I just knew that I was irrationally jealous that she had a boyfriend and she saw it as me wanting her mate. It was more that she was taken than anything.
I did not find anyone stunning in middle school. My parents were divorcing, and I had a library I could always flock to. Not to say that the students in my class were not beautiful. It is just that the boys around made admiring either gender impossible. And there was the opportunity to have sex that was looming. I did not like what that meant and longed to avoid it. I wished to remain a child as long as possible despite it being the worst. I saw the responsibility of a period and wanted to avoid all of it. Middle school cemented I would have asexual tendencies.
In high school, things began shifting. I had friends finally. Well, a healthy enough amount that I thought it would be interesting to date someone maybe. I was still heavily asexual leaning and wanted my friends, all of them regardless of gender, to protect their sexual identities and prowess. Sex as I still see it is a sacred dance between two individuals. You are worshiping the gods when you have sex. But few people wanted to accept that. I have now been flooded with hormones so I now personally understand that aspect. But the pigtail girl from telemetry school was back and she was embracing her masculine of center at that. I love her transformation and exploration of what it means to be divinely masculine.
There was also the other masculine of center teen that transferred to the school in my 11th year. She was equally lovely. I remember seeing her in English and demanding that I would be the first to get her number. And I did. I called her and was about to talk her ear off until she told me that she was a woman. I was shaken for a day. She was one of the few people that I really wanted. What did that say about me? I had to slow things down for a moment. I thought, “I like boys. Right? I like the idea of them at least.”I had my crushes like my 10th grade one on a classmate named Author but I wanted her for a full day before I learned what her gender was. It did not stop me from wanting her. But I did not call her again out of fear of being comfortable enough to experiment. I knew it would be marginally harder to stay away from her like I did the boys that I said I wanted but fear to approach year after year.
Then college reared its freedom and my asexuality wavered. There were no more parents to look upon my actions. It was my turn to be an adult. I did not mind the work but I still did not want to have sex with anyone. Asexuality could have been really fun if I knew it was an option at the time. I think more people would have respected my position instead of scaring me about my first sexual experience. By then, men had to come with a ring or limited experiences. I had three rules then, not more than three partners, no desire to get me pregnant, an STD test, and no smokers. That was all I needed in my city to disqualify most males in my community. Finding men that were willing to admit to those parameters since I would not keep my mouth shut about what one needed to be with me, I was able to skirt by on my virginity until I changed colleges.
I say that I changed colleges for several reasons: to have the true token experience. I was told frequently that I was white and I wanted to know what people were basing their observation on to call me this. And I was tired of avoiding my crush in a sense. I needed to be in a new space to explore lesbianism. I did not want to jinx it. And after a year of being Susie College, I took to the internet to pick up my first girlfriend. I went from straight to bisexual to having a partner in a six-month window.
Now, I am back to bisexual. But I am still demisexual at the core.