love.

I took some time off of writing this daily for various reasons: to deal with my mental health and the choices I needed to make for me and my spiritual destiny. I chose to honor the World as my primary deity and be a vessel of knowledge to the World, my pantheon (like I have a choice) and for my ancestors. That is a choice I can live with. I thought my acknowledging my being a vessel meant I needed to be an open channel for the orisha and I still will on occasion but it will not be a constant thing in the way I am a vessel of knowledge for the World and my ancestors. A choice I wish would have been made privy to me so the conclusion of my awakening would have been different. Maybe. I openly wonder if we have a say in how long an awakening occurs in some cases.

Anyway. I have a love/hate relationship with the deities at the moment. They can and will threaten to kill me on occasion, or they did for a bit, I know they exist. I do not curse them since that is useless as an action but I am not overly fond of them at the moment. I still respect them in the way I respect a boss that held my money earning opportunities. But this experience made me want to reflect on the things I really love besides being me. Mostly.

I have mentioned that I am in love with tsunami. The last time I had this much hope for a romantic relationship was when I was a preteen. Dating and finding anyone died as I endured years upon years of seasonal friendships that were dissolved upon the lack of conversation, the hint of the first disagreement, or a simple lack of adding a friend to their circle. I got soul weary of this hunt thus losing faith in a romantic relationship in any capacity with the ability to maintain friendships is based on being a useful person to a mutual cause. I do want to do things with my friends but do not want the ethos and conclusion of the friendship to be about that element. I am thinking about my roommate and the community she makes around dancing. She has friends in that space and they check on her in the space and outside of it. As much as I enjoy burlesque, I had more of an opportunity to make friends in that space once I considered being a performer. Not something I want to do but even with that acknowledgment, I still had more fun in that circle than the ones in my city. Those were my best friend’s circles and I was on the outskirts. Those spaces are more held together by money-making opportunities than the craft in my opinion.

But being loving tsunami and being in love with him is a different thing altogether. I trust him with my entire life and all the things that would make other people scared to hold such knowledge for anyone not their kid I think. Gifting him this information is cathartic to me in some capacity. I never liked that my parents had this much legal knowledge over me as I could not always trust my mom would not be tempted to open a credit card in my name since she drained my bank accounts at some points of my upbringing. When it comes to my father, it is a bragging thing. But for tsunami, it is a joy to give him everything in most situations. Part of me is like may I should have kept my passwords a secret but on the other hand, it is like a hilarious temptation. If he was insecure about me, he could check on me freely. It takes the sneak attack out of it I think. He does not need to be insecure about something that his ethics would make hard to look into when I already gave it to him.

Is that a love thing or a bait thing? Both I think. Some people would be tempted to kill someone, hopefully, someone that deserves it, for the kind of information and knowledge I have granted tsunami and will continue as often as I can. In some ways, it is nice to reflect on my past and let him see that process. In other ways it is like, I know what to give my therapist and he knows enough to support that work when we get there. I hope he does not take this as a one-up me space since I do not expect him to give me the same things. But should he, I will guard it with my life and brag about how honest we are with each other mutually.

But I am still waiting for tsunami to really exist on the physical plane with me. And to reclaim the mental connection we shared in some capacity in April/May 2020. I have a feeling it is going to return in dividends eventually and these essays will be upgraded in some capacity in he will be giving me insight on some that almost not quite hit my point. And I value that more than anything. Well. Today at least.