I was twelve years old when my peers brought up getting married and having children. For me, planning such events as pre-teens was really stupid. I felt the whole point of a wedding and planning it before you had your mate was stupid. Even selecting the names of future children. But then, I met someone that made all that not seem so dumb. And then the idea of being married and having a ceremony did not seem so dumb.
A lot of things change when you meet the one.
Marriage and love is a gift. You should honor it. And as I mentally prepare for my own union, I need to re-examine my stance on it. So this essay is about my observations of marriages and long term relationships.
I have observed several relationships in my 20s. Some were pretty amazing and others made me glad I never wanted babies. And some put me off of relationships in every way. I look at the struggle of my legacy friend and her dynamic of being the stay at home parent and the personal hell cohabitating she made for herself. Being a fastidious individual, her home was a minor affront to me and while I respect a little clutter, her home took it to a special place of terrible.
It may have been her regard for me as she would not care how I saw her. But she had me and others over for dinner and could not have us sit at the table there was so much clutter. While the meal was tasty, the ambiance tainted the palate. And my infrequent visits to this space made me reconsider the one breadwinner dynamic of heterosexual relationships. Add to it her ongoing complaints of her partner’s disregard for her value in this space, it leaves a bad taste. Adding them having kids growing up with this and I looked at cohabitating with a partner something I needed to miss.
Another relationship that had the same issue sans the kids was a college relationship that should not have went past the infatuation stage. The elements that made this stink was the level of entitlement one partner accepted as her due and the way her partner gave into her every move. She was casually cruel and abusive to him as she knew the value of a good person and would not respect that since she was always given whatever she wanted. She eventually left this mate for the thrill of a challenge and that casual dismissal of her relationship made my own heartache. How and why would you toss away a mate that would help make all your dreams a reality?
She sighted boredom as her reason to run away like being boring is enough to run away. The ability to be boring as a Black American is low key amazing. I hope to have some level of boring in my day to day. It allows me to have the space to value my okay. And maybe for the privileged among us, this basic is net-zero and the privileged don’t want to have to compare themselves to people that they look down on when they are the ‘standard’. It is my opinion that the basics of having a partner who wants to be in an active relationship and wants to do the daily maintenance work of being with you, that holds the most value.