minimum.
Reviewing my past few weeks and my relationship with the male parent, I realize the set up for this began way before my mother’s assistance but is a global re-occurrence that we should be grateful for the minimum. And amongst this current crisis, is that enough?
A reoccurring query on social media is the quarantine house you wish to stay in. some offer books and a view, others liqueur and all the streaming platforms. Not one of these cover the minimum we assume people should have in place but expect people to bend over backwards to have access to food, hygiene facilities, clothing, and a bed. For the financially solvent, this minimum is met and will stay in place for the foreseeable future with nominal levels of difficulty. For individuals like myself who were living a paycheck from broke, this is hazardous and opens up the floodgates of power plays for one’s existence.
Revisiting the time my father reappeared in my life, my life crush told me that I should be glad he wants to make the attempt to be a parent in the end and to give him a chance. Now, I am all about to forgive and forget but the parent left for a reason and his narcissism was it. Not every absent parent is a narcissist but you can not always guarantee that the parent left for their mental well being or that of the children’. That is something that needs to be considered as we have more people dealing with abandonment issues.
A co-worker reminded me that is could be the other parent that made him leave as he, with an audience in place, seems okay with the love bombs he was delivering at my place of business like I was a date. Practical items to be sure but the frequency and location of the bombs smelled suspicious. I always had an odd feeling like I was being courted not nurtured but with the limited amount of father figures, I could not pinpoint the nuance of it.
Then came him bragging to my mother about he has me in his circle every time we spent time with the mutual family as I was the prize to be fought over. This is creepy to the 10000th degree. I accept being a prize in a romantic relationship but a power piece between my parents at 36? This is all kinds of insidious. But in my time of need, this parent offering me a place to “breathe” to a degree. And in the logical brain of, I have no money, I accepted this gladly.
And then I began to regret it. I began tracking how much we spent on groceries. I made sure that everything he paid for was for both of us and anything that I needed for myself was not a part of it. And I forgot that I would do this on and off throughout our relationship. I told my aunt that I can go back to when I was a preteen and add the totals to an accuracy of 87 percent. Why? Because he made sure I knew it. He made sure I knew he paid for the roof over my head and the food and my bed. It all had to be used or tasted by him first. Except for my pads. But it had to come from his hand and I was not allowed to forget it.
It made me think I would need to literally blow him in ecstasy for having teeth after every meal.
We as a society do this to stay at home people. Is this all that we are allowed to be grateful for, the bare minimum I can get at the homeless shelter?