need.

I was walking with the dean of my Ph.D. program telling him that making societies survive for the basics- food and shelter- is robbing the society of its true contributions to the world- art and social progression. It bothers me since I spent several years working in dead-end roles that would just cover my basics with enough left over to have a decent meal or purchase some art supplies. It bothered me to have my life reduced to a moderate splurge and endless late nights wishing for another life. That survival decade helped shape me for my awakening as being able to provide for myself financially was taken away from me for a few months to enhance the awakening experience. But it also made me recognize that needing people has become something I doubt on a regular basis. Since my next decade will require me to need people in a daily way, let’s talk about needing people.

I have been raised to expect things to be taken away from me. Faithful readers will recall the story of my father with his erratic giving practices but it is more the practice of my mother’s selfishness that really enhanced my unwillingness to trust anyone will offer me something without wanting it back or needing me to work for it. This mindset started to manifest after my mother was awakened and I ended up living in my aunt’s home. Despite being awarded a nice settlement from my father in a custody settlement, she hoarded the cash and spent it on frivolous things. She did not pay for my upkeep in my aunt’s place and my aunt, caught in a rock and a hard place, ensured I had food to eat but would not pay for any other essentials unless it was a holiday. Relying on my mother for clothing while adhering to her odd rule of not working in my teens made wanting things outside of what she was willing to pay for difficult.

I will not regret adhering to her odd rule combination since adulthood did not seem like fun and it still is not a fun space to reside in. But I did loathe her long-suffering approach to taking care of my essentials despite her not wanting me to work. That approach was really confusing as a teen. In some ways, I value not working too early but in other ways, I miss the time to develop a better work ethic on lateness and having better management in saving money. As my mother once told me that she did not really enjoy my company while asking other people how to discipline me, it really ruined any desire to have someone else hold the proverbial purse strings.

My mother resents having children as well. It is evident in her mothering skills and words from her own mouth. When reviewing the lackluster way my parents attempted to tank my college career, or the irregular way both tried to make me evolve into a co-dependent state, needing my parents after I hit my drinking age became more of a why bother in the first place kind of thought process in my everyday. It was in that space that I stopped trying to need people unless the relationship was mutually beneficial. It makes me insanely defensive if I could not pay for myself in some mixed company. But I work on that when I can since not everyone has money.

I have been reading book of being raised by emotionally stunted adults and it helped me acknowledge why I can not help but look a gift horse in the mouth. I am overly protective of my financial and emotional life. It helps me not to lie. I don’t ask for help unless I am desperate and I need to learn to change that.

If I look at the signs from the gods, I am going to be taken care of as a writer and housewife in the next stage of my life and find myself looking forward to being emotionally and financially supported and knowing that my efforts in gratitude and personal growth will be rewarded simply because I am worthy.

Today, I look forward to being needed and needing someone else, period.