playspace.
Growing up, Black people were my first bullies. They were the ones to enforce this idea that I longed for white skin and by extension white privilege. I wrote an essay about it. And in a sense, I did and didn’t want white privilege. I wanted the same thing white people awarded white people with the mere lack of melanin: educational opportunities; an easy access to transportation to visit new spaces; access to healthy food choices; positive interactions with other genders and like-minded minorities. And more importantly, the observation of mentally healthier individuals who are comfortable with being masculine/feminine or at least have the mere exposure of what masculine/feminine looks like in other societies.
Being raised Black in America is limiting.
It took a long time for the excellence that is Marvel’s Black Panther to grace the silver screens and we continue to rely on the multi-layered superpower that is Oprah but for a people that has been integral to the creation of this ideal Western society for hundreds of years, this list of acknowledged accomplishments in media is too short for an enslaved people. In America, being Black is akin to looking at the root of the country and discovering your ancestors’ blood is everywhere. Compounded with the lack of recognition and the gift of eyes everywhere, one should see why there is global anger poured into the streets during a pandemic.
That brings me to my relationships with “woke” white people and how they exercise their degrees of privilege in public spaces moving forward. To be the colonizer in this age, one needs to be cognizant of the responsibility of privilege and create a mental space acknowledging minority races in a way white people are not educated to do. Because being white is accepting a level of what creates imposter syndrome. White culture is built on the suppression of the collective Other. And for an individual of color, I look at the work it required to be white and say, why bother?
It has to be draining on mixed-race relationships of any statue to try to walk around this blatant issue. For some of my friends, some of whom have chosen to stop reaching out to me because of me rehashing my father issues, I have lost some people in my friend groups because of my skin tone and political values. And while friendships come and go, some of these losses or silences have been hard to endure. So let’s talk about them and how we can collectively soldier on as globally, this uprising and pandemic are far from over.
Actively seeking out what I was told to want for me, it was books that helped me determine what kind of white people I want to heap my personal praise upon and help shape me. Authors in the fantasy realm became a source of fun and a gateway in the publishing industry. To be a member of the sci-fi/fantasy community in the 90s meant to be a part of a small but mighty collection of odd entities. Those are the kinds of white people I chose to surround myself with, people that acknowledge the struggle and work alongside it. And while some may be just problematic, it is soley from a space of white privilege. I chose to live within it. At least in their spaces, while I was the token, I was accepted.
It was in my predominantly white college when I learned to love D and D. That game and the community building required to play it is fun to me. I like how it has a core structure of rules that everyone needs to adhere to, or as a group, chose to abuse. It is a game where there is nothing really to lose. It is a game where you choose. And as you continue to choose, it is up to the player if you are playing to win or lose, or if you follow the rules. It is a space where you can be a different race for your play session and do magic or be an epic battle tank. Depending on the dungeon master, you can be overly super-powered or you can be uniquely flaccid. Like the 80’s Choose Your Own Adventure books, D and D is fantastic. It is spaces like these that white people began to understand racism to a degree. And the smart ones advocate against it in game play or use racism judiciously. But it is a testing space to see how they address racism to me.
Gameplay of this kind creates a kind of safe space. And when people are immersed in their safe space, they show their real faces. To an outsider being given an invitation into this space, watching this play is fascinating. For many in the gamer community, D and D is limiting. It has devolved into a broad strokes system to get a wider audience. But past builds offered a structure to create more nuanced playbooks. That is, to my understanding, how Pathfinder took root. But regardless of the ethics of the game structure, it is still a game that people gather around a table or online space and agree to play. It is amazing in that way. All players know their limitations are based on the dice and the whims of the dungeon creator. They are allowed to use their whits and personal skills to beg or barter.
Table top gameplay is a great leveler.
