prepared.
It has been an interesting eighteen months. I recognized I was in love with someone for the first time, COVID shut down the globe and I started a concentrated pursuit of my soulmate. While I have not seen tsunami since November 2019, he keeps appearing in my dreams and snippets of his conversations tease me on the wind. His appearance in the dreamscape is not fueled by daydreams of my own creation- I was never one to make up fantasies about any partner when I had job problems to deal with. My daydreams tended to be long winded conversations with Oprah discussing whatever observation I felt worthy of public consumption. Knowing this, I know these daydreams are gifted from the deities if not tsunami.
These gifted visions of our future together and what conversations may occur vary between engaging his loves- friends in the music industry and interaction with the children of his family at the weekly dinners and holidays. It has been reaffirmed that tsunami and I have a magical destiny to spend our lives together. My personal awakening has been focused on getting ready for this and knowledge that my next steps in my financial and emotional accomplishments are rooted in this relationship. It bothers me- my soulmate met me in an unique emotionally dead state where I was openly averse to any kind of romantic advancements despite objectivity wanting one in that fashion. It was an idle wish when I chose to conduct a solo magic ritual on the 15th of September.
It would be a lie to say I longed to a romance over my life. I longed to friendships and entertained the longing for a romance in concert with a friend base. At least, that is what I recall now. The years prior to meeting tsunami were dedicated to longing for job security. Longing for friends seemed like a luxury I could not afford. It was not as if the need to human interaction was not important; it just took a second teir level of importance as my pay check to paycheck living was forefront as a tangible problem for me. To have this idle wish to provide actual fruit in less than a month was a note to myself that I should re-evaluate how I wished for things in the first place.
What I did not expect was my soulmate to be the source to resolving all my other problems. It has been a level of emotional adjustment to accept that I will have to blend my career, familyand romantic endeavours into one individual. It feels like a heavy responsibly to have him be the answer to all of my needs and desires. There is a level of feminist recoil that grapples with the idea a member of the opposing gender will be the provider in these essential spaces. I have mentioned in other essays that observing other relationships that adher to this kind of give and take have been met with a glut of emotional upheaval that silent assumptions have put in place in some capacity.
I am working on addressing concerns in this space in order to avoid encountering these kinds of disagreements, pained tolerances or long term resentments. I do not maintain some lofty idea that my preparations in this realm will negate similar issues from emerging. Entering tsunami’s world will be engaging with other individuals that openly walk in these silent assumptions and build arkward communication practices to maintain them. Part of me feels like his world will be an indeph study into reality television with ‘warring’ parties split by genders, confessing their true emotions to people in their chosen camps yet creating a myrid of chosen miscommunications that reinforce certain behaviors instead of asuaging them. I am not looking forward to this anthropological study.
Evidence suggests that the whole world, physical and spiritual, is navigating aspects of our personal worlds to bring us together. The requirement of tsunami and I establishing a life together for the next chaper of our lives to together and contribute to our social fabric is cosmicly ordained by more than our physical plane. What that is has vast implications for our current society and shaping the next generation. At least, that seems like one of the goals. What our work does to reshape the world is up to the world. We just need to get together to start the first part of the world’s desire- getting married and being in love.
It should not be that hard to get that done. We are emotionally linked and share dreams in some capacity every evening. I like to think he always thinks of me and is preparing to see me physically this season. I have been waiting safely in his city to ensure this encounter starts without a need for him to chase me. It has been a long period of time to not gaze upon his face. I look forward to sporting our marriage license and his chosen ring most days. But the wedding planning.
I wonder if he is open to eloping.
