shame.
Shame culture has walked hand and hand with guilt in most cultures. It is a topic worthy of its own discussion. I recall a TED Talk where the presenter spoke about shame being attached to their roles as a parent or in their place of business. They spoke on the stress of adhering to the gender norms attached to their sex. They spoke of how a man confronted her about not addressing the shame attached to being a man in their book or original discussion. As this individual was educated as a woman, I doubt she was able to look at men’s shame from her perspective. It may have been a choice made by the presenter’s editors to focus on the presenter’s personal experiences but regardless, she felt shame that she did not take male shame into consideration. So let’s talk about shame today.
No, I am not going to attempt to speak on the shame attached to being a man in today’s society. I am not a man so I can not identify all of those aspects. What I can address is this man demanding the presenter address male shame in that environment. It is no surprise that we live in a male-dominated society. To have that level of freedom and power attached to my genitals makes me wish I were transgender at times. If only for the access granted. But this level of power leaves something to be desired. Those in power are often not happy with the world they have designed. So I look at my cisgender female privileges and rethink my penis envy.
I told tsunami one day that I found it darkly hilarious that straight men will tamper their own hygiene practices out of fear of being perceived as homosexuals. The humorous aspect is that many homosexuals would not approach these men for those hygiene practices. I waxed poetic that gay men are happy to be men and make spaces to explore their masculinity. To be considered homosexual is deemed shameful but I think it is rooted in envy. I look at my brother and his toxic behavior in his past relationship and think he would have an easier time establishing a long-term romance if he were gay.
Another perceived place of shame I have witnessed is being considered feminine. For some men, the idiots among homo sapiens, this is centered around the ability to prepare a healthy meal. I cohabitate with an individual who would not enter the kitchen to prepare food for himself in the years we shared the same space. I found this shameful. Who would want someone that could not provide their own basics? I don’t expect people to be chefs in the making but I do demand that any adult be able to and willing to follow a recipe. But that shame was lost on the offending party. So that is another consideration. What are the standards men are expected to live up to? What makes being anything other than some narrow variant of man, shameful?
I will openly share one of my shameful actions that still stings to this day- I may have discussed it in another essay but, it was the time I played into the stereotype of blaming the victim of sexual assault. I was a teen at the time so it can be considered a growing pain but I still look at that situation with a level of shame. Taking someone’s life-altering experience where their personal power and body autonomy were taken away and me enforcing the idea that it was something they were responsible for, remains a shameful experience in my past. I can not shake that shame to this day.
But that is my shame. I don’t find shame in my feminine, my Blackness, my sexuality nor when embracing my masculine energies. It bothers me that men find it shameful to embrace their feminine as if being a woman is terrible.
And yet they want us in their beds.
