share.

Sharing. In some spaces, it is a natural thing for me. I like sharing my food, my ideas, and where I set my boundaries. I have a friend that openly told me what her code was if she was going to leave her house. I appreciated this offering as most people loathe to send empty invitations. I like to share in this platform. After all, I want someone to know my personal experiences. And yet, I have a problem sharing in some things. So let’s peel back the tints on those spaces in this essay.

BED

It has been four years since I spent time in bed with another person. I never did this with any regularity. I look forward to doing this with tsunami and know that I will enjoy the experience on a daily basis but before I knew he is part of my destiny and a vital part of my future wellbeing, thinking about sharing this space was really hard. It was not that he was a man (my other bed partners were women) but the idea of sharing my personal space. I may have said this in other essays but let me reiterate- the bed, the place you choose to lay your head to rest every evening, the place you are safe to cry in and be vulnerable in. Your bed is your haven in my opinion. I have become very protective of that space so letting anyone, including my soulmate, into that space was a hard barrier to break down for and with him.

FINANCES

It has been made quiet clear that my finances will be taken care of by tsunami eventually. And while that feels low-key amazing in , “Finally! no more stress about paying my bills!” way, I have been taking care of me for decades. Having to establish my own financial security has been my life’s work in some capacity. If I was not slaving away at a office, I was unemployed looking for a job or a side gig. Letting someone else handle this is weird. I am not accustomed to this kind of security. There was a Cracked article that talked about the same thing. In this article the writer talked about poor habits they found hard to break. And in a way, okay a lot of ways, that is me in this case. I have been living from paycheck to paycheck and that habit of keeping tabs on my balances is going to be interesting to say the least.

RESPONSIBILITIES

Within the next two years, I will have a husband and baby. It will mean for the first time in my life, I will be responsible for other people besides me. I have had roommates and as the homeowner, worried about their safety and my home security but I have not been married nor have I even considered having a baby. Babies in my upbringing have been a burden or sacrifice of the parent that is required to cater to someone else’s upbringing. It is a scary practice in some capacity. For me, it required a level of financial security and I could barely keep that up for me. Add to the looks of long-suffering my family would have when they recalled their decision to have a baby, I was not willing to entertain that as a possibility. Plus, it was a responsibility I was not ready to take on on my own.

BODY

In addition to my bed, I have not needed to share touches outside of a handshake or hug in years. I like to think I was efficient at kissing but it has been longer since I have been with someone who I really enjoyed kissing them. I look forward to doing it again but the continual access is going to be kind of scary. I have never had that level of human contact or access. And then I will be getting it back. In my past experience, I never had much of that.

HUMOR

It has been mentioned in other essays that I am not an individual that requires that my partner be a source of humor for me. I equate that kind of requirement rather limiting. I am told I am funny but I do not strive for that. I look at comedians and that kind of humor, regardless of the genre, takes a level of practice. The comedians that I have run into are not that funny in real life. So demanding that my partner makes me laugh as a requirement is like demanding that my partner be a performer. If that is their career or hobby, I would embrace that aspect of them but it is more important that I can share a laugh with my partner on a regular basis. I do not expect him to find the same thing funny but enjoying my humor and embracing that I have taken joy in a laugh is what I am requesting. I often wonder if the women who require this are finding it at the cost of other elements.

Entering this new relationship is going to be mildly odd on my end. There is no way around that.