It has been a hard year for me. I fell in love and got rejected. I was banned from the EU. I had no job prospects. I had to live with my father. The only thing I did not lose was school. And living on the sufferance of my family, life has been brutal. So I have been escaping through the few free things available to me: I have been sleeping.
I can be a healthy-ish individual but I have been depressed as hell with everything that has happened. The love of my life has a girlfriend after I affirmed with myself that I am in love with him. And that is still heart wringing. It has made me a little insane and I have been obsessing on what I did wrong and my own personal history. That has been the essays to a degree. I learned a lot of things and relearned some things about myself. Like ghosting. Ghosting is traumatizing to me. Why? Because my father ghosted me at 12 for no reason.
It was during my parents' divorce that my father was getting my nails done and had me meet his future wife and my future stepmother. After meeting her, my bi-weekly nails and hair visits came to an end. No reason was given. I was just forgotten. Then my brother came around and said I was being punished because I stole something from his future wife. Now we know I had sticky fingers as a child but not without reason. And I like to make a good impression so I would not steal anything from a new person. I would steal from people who slighted me in some way. That was the reason for stealing in my simple pubescent brain.
But here came my brother who told me the reason I was not to be spoken to by a 35-year-old man(?) who gave birth to me because of a lie he made up to I think bait me. This silence went on for years and stopped briefly when I was 17. Then it picked up again when I was finishing college. So to have ghosting be something the first person I loved in a decade did the same thing to me, it was enough to break me mentally.
So to avoid thinking, I have been sleeping. I try to escape into my dreams of the sweet void of oblivion. And some of my dreams have been refreshing. But it is time for some peace.