#TeamSingle: A manifesto
As a pre teen, I pledged my heart and body to the deities. My best friend called me a fierce Christian virgin, and she is not too wrong as I get a kick out of being the innocent one. It plays into my kink of pure tease. But it also means that I am difficult to date.
Not that I don’t like meeting new people, exploring the world, or having great conversations. I have a deep fear of abandonment, commitment, and trust. Today’s dating world is not healthy in other ways, but it makes it hard for me to try anything for the thrill of it on the romantic front. I like my numbers, and I want to keep my damage to a minimum if I can. I don’t need to date anyone to get my feelings hurt. Your friends can do that.
What I do want is a pure eros love of my own. I do. But looking at the people around me, everyone does to a degree. What they don’t want is to put in the effort of keeping it. They want it to be wild and passionate but leave when reality sinks in. The bloom of love can be addictive. I want something that will endure the ages.
So when I met the tsunami, I felt courageous. Like, this is a love that won’t hurt me if I take it. With tsunami, I thought, I could be free to be gloriously me. I could plan out the next fifty to a degree. I in my hesitation need to ensure if it was a commitment to this being and not me being drawn to the sensation of hormones swimming. But tsunami’s habits of self-soothing are deadly. It took two months for me to confess. Guess who is on to the next?
I am a mess.
But what else is there for a budding demisexual? I want something passionate. I want something elemental. Know what, I am going to write my relationship manifesto!
Let me stop rhyming. It is a part of my binding. But I am going to start this unwinding.
Time recently published an article on relationship contracts, something Sheldon of TBBT had with his partner. I have always been a fan of a romantic agreement. Everyone is raised to view romance a bit differently. Desire will come, and passion will fade, but you need to know if what you have will make you stay past the lust phase.
When I entered high school, I had three rules:
no sex before 16 (be a virgin like me)
no kids in the future
no intercourse before we had six months of getting to know each other.
non-smoker
But then, being a lesbian became an option, and I was like, “COOL!” There will be no power play when we are in the bedroom. (Sidebar- seriously men, some women want masculine, not this hyper-aggressive male image that you all compete to emulate. Be sexy. Be sensual. Be vulnerable. Enjoy being yourself.)
But women are equally cruel. And the power play dynamic is still in place. Women are petty and similarly competitive. If we let people be comfortable being alone, we would have a lot more people comfortably asexual.
But I needed to gain a bit of experience. Living through my friends' lives would not be substantial.
For women, I was a little more lenient. Sex with them may be more pleasing. It definitely involved less mess.
No sex before we are tested
no sex for six months
no kids in the future
non-smoker
able to be good friends with me
This is the bare minimum. And it makes me a nun. But my bed is MY safe haven. I won’t share it with just anyone.
Life makes things take one a practical approach so my additional rules are as follow:
college-educated
plans for your career
good credit or a plan to get there
decent spending habits (see good credit)
able to walk a lot
able to be best friends with me after the slut phase
And not a lot of body stuff. So not too hard to qualify. But that fact I have standards were an issue through my 20s. I am of the mind that if you are inviting someone into your safe haven, you will have their energy in that space. So I hesitate. And that makes people angry, impatient and walk away from me.
I am a snail. I am slow about this. Be patient you fuckers. This is a journey, not a race.
Unlike most people, I can not move solely on my desire. I need to know if it is something I can hold onto for the next ten, twenty, fifty years or so. I don’t need a slew of people in and out of my door. I need the one that lets me get used to the idea of being with them, lets me know that they are not leaving and they will be patient while I meet them halfway. This is the rest of my life we are playing with. Rub one out and take a breath.
Anyway, I met someone that made me feel that love exists and I can have my heart wish and the world told me it was okay on top of it. Low and behold, my training kicked in- I hesitated. I never said anything about it. I was thinking. I gave hints instead of clear affirmatives. I missed out on something great.
The world said, Wait.