weddings.

You would assume, not correctly, that as a woman I have planned out my ideal wedding. And I have at times but not in the way people usually approach these things. I am not some bridezilla with a $100,000 fantasy that has become an all-encompassing need for the world to see. I like the idea of weddings as I enjoy planning gatherings. But for me, the pomp and circumstance of weddings are not as important as the matrimony. I want to be married more than I want to have a wedding. But let’s talk about weddings.

I am back to being seven when I dreamt of a white dress like I was supposed to a la Disney. At the time, all I wanted was to twirl in a white dress. Dresses made me long to run through a field or dance. Never thought about having a partner in my dance or to bear witness to my experience since I was alone despite having a sibling most of the time. When I would watch the princesses of Disney, I always wanted the library gifted to Belle and the slow burn of her relationship with the Beast. I see it as a captive making the most of a bad hand now but I still want that library.

It is not that I did not want the dance mate. I want it badly. But I was practical about what I wanted, what would be healthy, and what I would need. I decided early on that it would be friends I would need then I would look for the elusive mate. So when I came across Sailormoon, I felt I could articulate my desire for a friend base with visuals. I liked the relationship the friends had with Ami, whom I often identified with when I was not resonating with Rei. I could never get the friends right to think I would have a safe haven to go back to in order to date so my wedding plans were always a reaction to someone else demanding I have a plan.

What was that gut plan? Well, one year it was to wear gold like an Egyptian pharaoh and be carried in like Bille Porter to the alter. That would have been fun. My audience would wear soft white and I would shine among them. Another time I would wear a soft purple and my guest would be assigned a color of the rainbow. I did not care if someone else wore white or anything else. And that is as far as I got for wedding planning for myself.

I watched my college roommate attempt to plan on and the cost it would take. It was funny to see all the faces sour when they saw the price tag to have a full-on wedding party as my friend wanted. Her wedding did not end up happening that way. I went to their courthouse ceremony and bailed on their reception held a month later. Why? Money. I could not afford to visit them again. My other college friend spent two years planning and saving for her wedding weekend and she still had near meltdowns that I can no longer recall. But it prepared me for the fiasco that was my best friend’s wedding as she chose to have a destination wedding.

So I don’t need a wedding so much as I need my mate.

When it comes to rings, I had a different mindset. The ring showed the world you were taken. At points in my life, I wanted the ring tattooed but artists in that industry always talk about those blowing out eventually. I just know I never wanted a diamond. It was always a sticking point as I never wanted the marketing that made people long for a diamond. I prefer a sterling silver band. Something that would need only minimal maintenance and easy to replace if I lost it since I am not used to wearing any jewelry regularly. And I like silver. Of all the things I would allow myself to picture, I would love to imagine walking into a pawn shop and getting matching silver bands with my partner. We would then get a license from the courthouse and tell people about it over the course of six months.

For me, marriage is about me and my mate. The rest of the world can suck it. I don’t need the window dressing.

Now, I think I could handle wearing a white sapphire.