year of tsunami.

It has been a long time since I had someone that made me gush… or obsess. This is the story of my tsunami.

I met tsunami walking into orientation for my Ph.D. program at EGS, an abroad school where neither of us was in our native country. While I was alone, he had his family along for parts of his journey. But I told you, faithful reader, about this in January 2020 but to recap: tsunami felt like the sea walking next to me and I longed to rip his clothes off him the first time I saw him in full light. The fact I wanted him so much caught me off guard. I don’t want people often or without cause. When it comes to my life, it is easier not to want something unless I can find more than three reasons for it. But the odd thing for me, when I am not in an active relationship, was wanting sex for the sheer pleasure of feeling tsunami’s body pressed against me. It was a feeling this demisexual rarely felt. While curious, the desire was not enough to engage in sex again.

Unbeknownst to me, my actions were hinting that I may be willing to consent to a lust-filled evening but it was more than the sheer lust driving me. It was the deities speaking to me. A simple, “You can end for him.” was whispered in the wind and boom, it was more than lust that would be meeting between those sheets. Low and behold, I had met the man of my dreams. We had three pleasant weeks of learning and me whispering I love him unbiddenly, calling him my love because I meant it, and giving him all the ammunition possible to destroy me being blindly vulnerable to a extent. I went out on an emotional limb and made an effort. And after some digging into why I kept wanting to touch him, he ghosted me.

Losing him was soul-crushing.

For some reason, the deities said wait a bit. Turns out, I needed him for more than just the joy of having a god sanctioned relationship. Finances and COVID 19 put me into the black hole that is my home state and I needed a reason to get away that resided outside of my need to escape. It was unnerving to learn that my hometown was a silent killer to my mental and third eye. I reached out for tsunami despite his wish that we no longer exist. Had I respected his wish, I would have been dead by my father’s hand in an emotional sense. Would I have held the gun to my head finally as I loathed cohabitating with my family? Maybe. But texting him while he remained silent, was costly. I am no longer allowed to reach out to tsunami. Boom, I am now in a place where I can survive my awakening.

I am still mad at myself for stalking tsunami. Finally, I meet someone the deities say is meant for me and he runs from me. And it had to be a he, a gender I have not attempted to romance since I was 20. I am furious at tsunami for ghosting me. Diligent readers know my history with ghosting but let me sum up my trauma with ghosting: no twelve-year-old should be learning about ghosting through the person they are supposed to call daddy. That is damaging. So I don’t respond like a healthy person to that course of action. But I followed the course of action because the deities said wait for a little. Three times actually: twice in my bed (one they slept me and one when I was talking to the sky) and one in my year end card pull.

So I have had two strikes against me. I waited to say something and then reached out without permission. I don’t really regret them as the time let me run out my fears of being in a romantic relationship after a decade of erratic dating where my prospects left me longing for true asexuality. I am now on a thin line of balance- waiting because I am allowed to want tsunami for the remainder of my life and respecting the reality that he is far from being mine.

All I know for sure is I still loathe getting my hopes up. But my hopes are up.